Going With The Flow

It's the same 4 pounds.  Over and over and over for the last 2 months.  I am fluctuating between 238 and 242.  The same 4 pounds.

I'm actually ok with that.  Ok, not really.  I know it is completely natural to be frustrated when you are not really losing.  But realistically I also know why the scale is stuck there.

I have been going with the flow.  The flow of out of town trips and weddings and graduations and celebrations and guests and all the food that comes with all of those things.  Add to that a reduced exercise schedule because of travel. I'm not making excuses or reasons for giving in to temptation.  No guilt about it either.  This is real life.  It all adds up to basically maintaining the weight.

I have not decided that maintaining is a bad thing.  Losing would be better but I also think that it is good to control what you can, when you can, and to enjoy the rest.  Just don't lose control. The key is not giving up or giving in.

I know myself well when it comes to this journey of weight loss.  Every time I have lost a noticeable amount and start to get compliments, I get comfortable.  When I get comfortable, I stop trying.  When I stop trying, I gain the weight back.

But this time I am determined to not go there.  I am staying with my program.  I am counting my calories and continuing to attend my dance and yoga classes 6 hours each week.  I will not give up and I will not give in.  I will continue to lose the weight albeit at a slightly slower pace than before.  This is a life changing experience and I know I will have to do this for the rest of my life.  And I'm still learning how to do it.

Are any of you struggling with that same crazy summer plateau?  Let's share ideas in the comments on how you cope with it and make it through without losing your focus. 

Back From The Edge

Last week was a little bit of a challenge.  I attended a week long work conference in St. Louis.  There was a lot of food over the week and it came frequently.  I don't think I over ate and I focused mostly on eating lots of veggies but I did eat desserts and other things I would not have eaten otherwise. 

The stress level was kind of high.  It was a long week . . . meetings, training attended and trainings led, performances (I was Oprah), awards, top executive visitor . . . you get the picture.  By Thursday, I was so ready to go home.

Our flight out of St. Louis was delayed by an hour.  We knew we were going to cut our connection very, very close so we decided to eat at the airport before we flew out.  I shared a pizza with another friend.  Finally, we took off and headed for Atlanta.

Our flights in Atlanta were the last flights of the day.  My flight was at 10:50pm and the other girls' was at 10:52pm.  We knew that if we missed our connection, we would be stuck for the night.  Our plane arrived in Atlanta and we were not able to pull into the gate for about 10 minutes.  As we exited the plane, we found we were on concourse A and had to go to concourse D.  We ran, took the train, and ran some more.  We arrived at our gates at 10:45 and the doors were closed.  They would NOT let us on.  Seriously???? But they did put our luggage on the plane.  Ummmm, how thoughtful of them.  We would be staying in Atlanta for the night but our luggage would make it home.

I rented the other girls a car to drive home to Alabama and called my daughter, who now lives in Atlanta, to come pick me up.  She had been wishing all night that I would miss the connection so I could stay with her.  I'm not sure she considered what I would smell like the next day since I had no clothes or toothbrush or clean underwear but at least she could take care of me.  We arrived at her apartment at 1:30am.

A friend drove to Atlanta on Friday to bring me home.  Of course, we all had dinner before leaving at a wonderful restaurant in Old Roswell.  It was amazing and we took off for Knoxville around 10pm.  We were stuck in traffic outside Chattanooga for one hour and finally arrived at the Knoxville airport to pick up my car around 2am on Saturday. 

However, I couldn't get out of the parking lot.  There was only one booth open and it had a sign on the window that said "back in 20 minutes".  Ummmmm, really?  I waited.  I moved the cones from the automated lanes and tried to pay but the machines were broken.  I wondered when I had pissed off Karma?

Finally, after 25 minutes, I called information on my cell phone and got the number for airport security.  They went and found the booth worker.  He came barrelling across a median on a golf cart, obviously angry.  He unlocked the door, went into the booth and slammed the door.  He couldn't get the window open which made him MORE angry.  Finally, he got it open.  Lucky for me! The officer was trying to carry on a conversation with him and "dude" was so rude.  He never apologized or even spoke to me.  RUDE!  It was 3am when I got home, ready to just fall into bed.

I remembered as I walked in and the temperature was the same as outside that I needed to call the air conditioner repairman.  I went into my kitchen to set my purse down and there was about an inch of water on the floor and towels were floating on top of it.  My water/ice line for the refridgerator had sprung a very small leak and my son had put towels down to soak it up.  Of course that was about 12 hours before when he left for work and my kitchen was now flooded.  As I held back tears, I picked up the towels and put them in the sink.  I went to get more towels and soaked up some more water.  I went to the sink with an armload of towels again, slipped on the wet floor and went down.

I cannot repeat here the words that came out of my mouth.  Lots of inappropriate words.  I got the mess cleaned up and turned the water off under the sink.  I found 3 fans and pointed them all at my bed.  I turned them on "high" and fell into the bed.  Ahhhhhhh, sleep.

It would be a lie if I said I didn't eat like crazy that weekend.  I spend most of Saturday picking up my luggage from the airport, calling repairmen and setting up appointments and just laying on my behind.  And eating.  And eating.  And eating.

Monday was another day.  Back to work and back to healthy eating.  I jumped right back into my routine and ended the day having consumed 1541 calories and burned 2100 calories.  I felt in control again and it felt good.  Today has been good too.

I think I can do this.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

After a few weeks of eating slightly over my calories, I have had a really good week.  I write it all down, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Then today, I did something stupid, stupid, stupid.  I hate it when that happens.

It was a crazy day at work.  We have a huge conference next week and all the last minute prep was overwhelming.  It was stressful but I was handling it with humor and a list.  I forgot to bring my lunch so I ran to pick up some KFC grilled chicken.  I was well within my calorie limit with this choice and glad that I had more than enough calories left over for dinner.  Today is a day that I don't exercise so I am always pretty careful about my food on those days.

Later a friend called and said she was going to run by Sonic and pick up her lunch and a chocolate milkshake.  Oooooooohhhhhhh, milkshake!  I asked her to bring me a small chocolate milkshake.  Yum.

She walked in with the milkshake and I tasted it.  SO good but . . . what is that taste?  This is not just chocolate.  She tasted it.  Chocolate peanut butter.  Wow.  Even better.  I slurped that yummy concoction down and finished some more conference prep. 

Later I pulled up my Daily Plate on Livestrong.com to record my decadent treat.  WHAT THA??????????????  A small chocolate peanut butter milkshake from Sonic is 678 freakin' calories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my goodness.  I typed it into my Daily Plate and I have one, yes one, calorie left for dinner.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The moral of the story . . . take the time to look it up before you decide to eat it.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Trying Yoga

My dance classes are working and I love them.  I like them so much that I was ready to add some additional classes.  I do Sizemology Dance on Mondays and Saturdays, Zumba on Wednesdays and Choreography on Thursdays.  I needed something for Tuesdays when some of my friends in Sizemology  mentioned a yoga class they were interested in attending. 

First of all, my past experiences with yoga have not been positive.  In fact, I kind of hated it.  Again, I am not a particularly “still” person and, although I was raised in a sort of New Age environment, I don’t generally respond to the New Age type of thought.  But my friends explained that this was different, this teacher was different.  So I decided to try it. 

I was pleasantly surprised.  I am pretty flexible and always have been, even for a fat girl, so the poses were challenging but not painful.  The instructor, Angie, told us to trust our body and let it guide us.  Angie is a Reiki practitioner and throughout the hour, she would walk through the class and gently touch the students, sometimes to slightly adjust the pose.  I am never comfortable with strangers touching me but Angie’s touch was comforting.


Angie’s melodic, soft voice was soothing.  She talked throughout the whole class, sometimes explaining how to do a pose, sometimes talking about energy and healing and spirituality.  Again, I am not one that normally responds to this type of thing but there was something about Angie’s voice, her excitement, the flow of her words that was so relaxing, even as I was sweating through a pose. 

Before I knew it, the hour was over.  I felt amazingly worn out, powerful and relaxed at the same time.  I went home that night and bought a class card.  And I went back this Tuesday.  I will be adding the Saturday class this week.

So now I am dancing four hours a week and doing yoga two hours each week.  I feel like I am getting into a very well rounded exercise routine that works on all parts of my body.  But the best thing about doing all that is that I get so much more than the calorie burn.  I love dancing and am learning that I love this type of yoga.  And it makes me a happier person.   That goes way beyond the weight loss.

Being Mindful

Never have I had so intimate a relationship with a strawberry as I had on Saturday night.  No, I have not irevocably lost my senses nor have I moved over to fruit for emotional support.

I was invited by a friend to attend a seminar by a local life coach which was centered around the topic of the Zen practice of mindful eating.  The woman had lost over 350 pounds after gastric bypass and kept it off for many years so I was interested to hear what she had to say.  I am not a meditative or particularly "still" kind of person but I am open-minded.  So off I went to the seminar.

I have been aware of mindful eating as a part of my weight loss process but I guess I practice my own version.  I try to slow down, chew food more, and recognize the taste of the food and appreciate it more than when I used to just shovel it in. It has allowed me to savor and enjoy food more and it allows me to eat less and be satisfied.

During the seminar, the life coach did an exercise in mindful eating using strawberries.  First she had us select a berry.  Then she turned the lights down and asked us to close our eyes.  She led a guided meditation to allow us to center ourselves.  Then she spoke very slowly and had us examine the berry, noticing it's texture, it's color, the shape, the seeds, the smell.  She asked us to think about how the berry got there, who picked it, the people who had been in contact with that berry.  Then she told us to take a small bite.  Notice the flavor, the sweetness, the sourness, the texture.

Okay, I know I shouldn't be like this but I do NOT have the time to take 5 minutes to eat a strawberry.  Nor do I want to take that much time to eat anything.  I know it was just an exercise and it had an impact on many in the room.  They enjoyed the berry more than they have when eating strawberries in the past.  They appreciated all the effort that brought the berry to us and the beauty of the fruit.  I did not have that epiphany.  I am just not capable of being that spiritual about my food.

I do believe in appreciating your food and the person that prepared it, slowing down, savoring it, and enjoying what you eat.  And I will continue to listen to other's different thoughts on how to eat healthier and how to become a better person. 

But I am trying to change my relationship with food and really do NOT need to love it more than I already do.  I am trying to teach myself that food is not about the feeling.  That it is needed to help me stay alive and to nourish my body but food does not have to have emotional attachment. It will be okay if something does NOT taste amazing.  I also don't have to eat it if it does taste amazing because it will not change my life.

That is my version of mindful eating right now.

Love My Bugg

I was never one to commit to wearing a pedometer and was never one to completely understand how to figure out calories burned at an activity.  So although the concept of "burn more calories than you take in" was so simple and clear to me, the problem was . . . how do I really know how many calories I'm burning?

The problem centers around the fact that you burn calories with every little move of the finger, ride of the bike, jog around the neighborhood, and even when you sleep.  How could I keep up with all of that and get an accurate picture?

I had seen the Bodybugg on TV on "The Biggest Loser", heard others talk about it, and even read a little on-line.  But I didn't really get it until I got one.  The Bodybugg is a little square contraption that has an stretchy arm band attached.  You wear it all day (and night if you like) on your upper left arm, except in the bath or shower or pool.  It does NOT like water.  You can get a small display that looks like a digital watch that you can wear on your arm or clip it to your pants or bra strap like I do.  The display gives you the data if you are into instant gratification as I am. 

A couple of times a week, you hook it up to the computer, go to their site and upload your information and charge the battery.  I won't go into all the details on what you can do but there is tons of info on their site so check it out.

So what the Bodybugg basically does is counts calories you burn as long as you are wearing the armband.  It also counts steps you take, amount of time at an activity, calories burned during activity, calories per minute burned during high activity. 

So here's how I use it.  I wear it all day and night except in water.  The armband counts calories from midnight to midnight so I know how much I burn in total during a 24 hour period by checking the running total on the display.  When I attend dance class or just want to see how many calories I burn during an activity, I set a "trip" and the display tells me.  When I reach my calorie burn target, the display alerts me.  Since I am counting and logging calories all day on Livestrong.com's Daily Plate, I don't use Bodybugg's website for meal tracking but it is available for those that want to do that.

Every morning, I go to Livestrong and pull up the previous days meals.  Then I enter my total calories burned (the display will show you the previous day's total) and compare how many more calories I have burned than I took in.  Some days I burn a couple of hundred more and some days I burn over a thousand more. 

My target to lose 1.5 pounds each week is to burn 800 calories more each day than I take in.  That goal is based on age, height, and current weight but it sounds like a lot, right?  It's really not.  Remember, you burn calories when you sleep.  But what happens is the armband and display remind me to get up off my hiney and move a little more.  Instead of sitting at my desk, I get up and walk around a couple of times more each day.  When I'm in the car for long stretches, I "dance" to the music on my Ipod.  Yeah, I look stupid to people in the other cars but they don't know me, right?  The point is, the little device reminds me that I need to move.

Bodybuggs are a little pricey - over $200 for the armband and display - which made me hesitate for a long time before buying one.  But it was well worth the money.  There are other brands with similar devices and all work essentially the same way with very few differences.  I have no knowledge if one is better than the other, I only have experience with what I own and I am receiving no compensation for endorsing the Bodybugg.  I just love it and want to share how it has helped me lose weight.

How do you track your exercise?

Finding The Reason

 I love the show Ruby on Style Network.  The show is about a real woman, Ruby Gettinger, and her struggles to go from over 700 pounds to a normal size.  All fat women can identify in some way with either Ruby or with her friends.  On tonight’s episode, the season finale, Ruby and her friends attend a 6 day intensive therapy session to deal with their food addictions.  It was enlightening and hard to watch.  Ruby and her friends all went in thinking they were not addicted to food.  Don’t we all feel that way?

I am not one that leans toward group therapy.  I think it’s wonderful and works for many people but I don’t think I am one of them.  I am more of a one on one kind of person.  Of course, no one ever thinks it’s for them but I see it really does work and this show was interesting and gave some insight into the process.


One thing I’ve learned is that there are a lot of reasons people are fat but the reasons generally have nothing to do with food.  Things in their past, issues of control, or depression all lead to issues with food just like they lead to drug addiction or alcohol abuse or exercise obsession.  It’s all addiction and none of us ever think we are addicted.

To watch the women on the show and see them relive the horrors of their childhoods and teen years was heartbreaking.  So many women have stories of abuse or alcoholic parents or unhappiness.  They use their weight as protection or as control.
I recognize now that I have an addiction but I am still trying to figure out where that addiction came from.  I had a very happy childhood.  There were unhappy moments as with all children but I really had parents that loved me and siblings to which I was close.  No trauma, no abuse, nothing to lead me to an answer.  There were addictions in my extended family but they did not directly affect me.

My family was a military family so we traveled and moved all over the world every few years.  We would return to my grandparents or family members would visit us at various times.  There would always be a feast or special meals.  Visits from or to the homes of family and friends were some of my favorite memories and I was always so happy during those times. 

I think that because some of my best memories and times in my life were always centered around family and food, I try to constantly recreate that feeling.  My favorite foods are foods that were served during those times.  They bring back that feeling.  And when family visits me, I want to serve those foods and provide that feeling for them.  It’s like rather than some time of pain causing a food addiction, the feeling of pleasure caused it.

I don’t know if that is the reason I’m fat.  My logic mind tells me I would not make myself fat because I want to be happy, especially because being fat does not make me happy.  But I do know this is a problem that I have to deal with and have learned that I cannot center family events around food.  I still do but I am trying to change that.  Thanksgiving should be about what we did, not what we ate.  That’s hard for me.

No matter the reason, I am changing my life.  I am learning that I need food to survive but it cannot make me happy.  It’s just food and it’s not that powerful.  I will not be happier if I eat three servings of mashed potatoes.  In fact, I will be mad later because I did it.  I can eat one serving.  Or I can take control and not eat any of it because it’s just potatoes.  It doesn’t bring back any of the people I love and miss.

And I will keep looking for answers and inspiration.

Dancing It Up

I have talked about my dance classes as a form of exercise.  But it has become more than exercise.  It is a form of self expression and confidence.  My favorite class by far is Sizemology.  It is designed for all women of all sizes but primarily for women that want to dance but that might hesitate to attend a class due to body issues or confidence or because of their age.  It’s a lot of fun and we alternate jazz and hip-hop music and choreography. 


I have been dancing in the performance troupe and this past weekend we performed at Rossini Festival, a huge Italian street fair in downtown Knoxville put on by the Knoxville Opera Company.  It poured rain, the sound was messed up, the covered stage started leaking, they cancelled the performance due to the risks and problems but some of the troupes decided to go ahead and perform.  Since they had lost our CD of our music, our troupe leader’s husband held her IPhone up to the microphone, hit play, and we performed.

I kept tugging at my shirt because it kept sliding down and exposing about 4 inches of my bra.  You should ALWAYS ignore wardrobe malfunctions because the distraction causes one to miss steps as I found out!  And I am pretty sure no one but me noticed the bra showing.

I had a great time and it felt great.  Would you like to see?  That’s me on the left.

My Personal Relationship . . . With Food

Recently I was involved in an online conversation about food that made me think.  It started innocently enough.  It was not a bad conversation but I realized I had some feelings during the conversation that led to me examining my relationship with my way of eating.

It started with a status update on Facebook (doesn't it always?).  I was in Nashville on business and posted that I was "having a "healthy" breakfast at IHOP before taking on Nashvegas".  It was random and insignificant.

An old friend from high school posted the comment "What can you find at IHOP that is healthy?"  I explained that they have a new "For Me" menu that uses Egg Beaters, Turkey Bacon and Sausage, and they post the nutritional information. He commented that he eats nothing but fruit for breakfast and can't imagine eating like that.  I said that I do better with protein for breakfast rather than carbs. Then he sent me a message.

He advised that I think of breakfast not as an event but rather as just another part of the day.  He then detailed how he has eaten fruit all day for 16 years and feels even better than he did at 15.  He eats fruit first thing in the morning and then eats fruit every 30 minutes throughout the day until later in the evening when he has protein.  I explained how my eating pattern works for me and that although I love fruit, the sugar makes me hungry and it doesn't stay with me for long.  He shared his thoughts on eating and processed food and evolution and the bible, as did I, and then he said . . . "People get so offended when you they think you are trying to change the way they eat when really it's only that you care about them and their health".

Hmmmmmmm.  I thought about why his whole tactic offended me a little bit.  I thought about my personal relationship with food and why I am so protective of that relationship.  I thought about how there is no one right way to eat and how you have to find the way that works for you. 

When we share our way of eating, is it really because we care about others or because we feel the need to share our knowledge.  Or is it our need to be right all the time?

I hope that as you read this blog, you understand that I share what works for me and only me.  I have said that in many posts.  I am definately no expert, just someone who has tried a lot of different ways to lose weight.  I have found a way that works for me but I am learning and trying new things every day.  Some things work FOR ME and some don't.  But I share them because they MIGHT work for you. 

I am thinking about what he said.  I am not going to change to eating fruit all day but I am considering that I do tend to think of meals as events.  Maybe I can get to the point one day where food is for sustenance rather than pure enjoyment.  I'm not there yet. 

Just Move It, Move It

Today, I got rid of Winter.  For the last few very cold, very wet months, I have allowed my back yard to descend into a giant muddy, dog-destroyed mess.  I have 3 large outside dogs.   One is a 13 year old Black Lab, one is a 14 year old Golden Retriever, and one is a 2 year old German Sheppard mix.  The 2 year old belongs to my daughter and he has drug around and destroyed most anything that was outside – dog bowls, chairs, tables, grass, pieces of wood, fencing, you name it.  I spent the winter looking through my windows at the sad state of my yard
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Today was the day to fix all of that.  And it was a beautiful day.  Earlier in the week a tree in my yard had fallen on my neighbor’s fence.  Some very good friends came over to help me with the repairs.  I actually love doing home projects but since I have NO idea what I’m doing, I prefer to be the assistant so that was my role today.  I woke up early – 5:30am and could not go back to sleep. So finally, around 8am, I got busy.  Before they arrived I took the opportunity to drag all the destroyed items from across the yard through the gates so they could be placed at the curb for trash pickup.  Then we all got busy replacing a section of the neighbor’s privacy fence
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After completion, my friends helped me enclose the open bottom area of my sunroom.  A few years ago, a friend of my daughter had closed off a section under the sunroom so the dogs have a sheltered area but it was very haphazardly done and looked really trashy.  I really wanted to fix it so it looked better.  We went to the hardware store for supplies, picked up lunch and then got busy, carrying large sheets of plywood, measuring, cutting, lining it all up and attaching everything.  My friend is a stone mason and he is going to do a stone treatment with stucco and stone to cover the plywood and my dogs now have their very own “condo” under the sunroom.  Very cool!

After cleaning everything up – clearing the built up dog hair and dried leaves off the deck, sweeping the deck and patio and cleaning the cobwebs from every window and door and corner – I headed out to take Senior portraits for my friend’s son and some couple photos of him and his girlfriend.  We had a great time climbing around on the railroad tracks, playing on small hills, standing on benches, walking down paths through the woods.  Move it, move it.

I arrived home about 9pm.  I have hardly sat down all day long.  Moving, just keep moving.  I hit my calorie goal about 6 pm.  Due to my job which involves a lot of sitting – at a desk, in a car - I usually exceed my calorie goal only on dance days and even then, it’s close.  Today, I will surpass that goal by over 600 calories.  YAY!

And my yard looks like a yard again.  I see results.  I accomplished something today.  I was moving.