I rode back from the beach this week and had a lot of time to think. It was just me and my daughter, it was a long drive and there was a temporary lull in the conversation. I was in my head, mentally beating myself up for finishing off the bread pudding the night before and eating 2 dozen baked oysters the prior afternoon.
I looked down at the seatbelt and the bulge coming over the top of the lap belt. I was kind of disgusted with myself. I thought about the fact that I had taken a few weeks off from tracking my food, blogging about my weight loss, and over the last few days, I had taken off my Bodybugg so I could tan evenly. I was on vacation! Stupid choices. Why did I do that? Great . . . now I felt FAT again.
As I thought about it, I decided that I was just a little bit crazy. I have not gained back any weight since March or April. I am still 50 pounds lighter than I was a year ago. I am wearing the same size I have worn since May which is either an 18 or 20. A year ago I wore a size 26. The dancing/exercise has allowed me to maintain my weight loss while I "vacationed" from eating healthy.
So what happened? Two months ago, I was proud of the way I looked and how far I had come. What was different now?
My thinking was the difference. I was thinking the same way I thought last year so I felt the same way I felt then. Our self image is not based on any type of reality at any given moment, it is mostly all about what we think. It's the reason an anorexic teenage girl thinks she's fat. It's the reason at 292 pounds I thought I wasn't THAT fat until a saw a couple of photos telling me otherwise.
It's amazing what our mind does to us. When I start thinking I'm fat again, I visualize that, get frustrated, and eat poorly. When I am eating healthy, I see myself getting smaller and I am proud of my appearance. Mind Tricks.
The fact is, I'm still fat even though I have lost 50 pounds. I weigh 242 pounds. I have 80 - 90 pounds to lose still. No matter what I see in my head, those are the facts. Sitting and thinking about it doesn't change a thing . . . action does.
I will find the physical strength and the mental strength to lose the next 80 - 90 pounds I need to lose. I don't know how long it will take and I am not in a hurry. It's a process. The first step was putting that Bodybugg back on last night. The second step was logging back into Livestrong.com this morning, recalculating my calorie goals and logging all my food today.
The next step . . . changing my thinking. That's a much harder thing to do so stay tuned!